Hollywood infected my brain...I wanted kissing in the rain.

This post is about a topic that I'm sure many a person has written about or at least pondered; romance, love, the Disney ideal of the perfect partner and whether or not this person exists. I'll admit that I don't think love is about meeting a person that is perfect, but finding someone who is perfect because you love them.

I come from a traditional family and love is not considered to be an important factor in finding a match. Rather your horoscopes must match and he must come from a *good* family. Having grown up in the western world you can say that I have some issues with this. Obviously there is a lot of hypocrisy in the traditional viewpoint but that is another post entirely. SO yes. I want to find that perfect for me man and settle down and have some children and still be holding hands aged 90. Is that too much to ask?

Now I recently met a man, let's call him Conor. We met online, and initially it was fun. He made all the moves, in fact maybe too many. And I got a little...addicted. I don't agree with playing games. I'm usually honest and if I like someone, I don't see the point of acting unavailable. And yes, I do know it usually works. But it feels dishonest. If someone likes me, I want it to be for me; not because I've made myself sound like some unattainable prize. But yes Conor. Everything was going great and now it isn't. I wish life came with con-crit, so I could know for certain where it went wrong. He's had my number for ages but I'm still waiting for him to call. We still talk online but it seems like the spark is gone and then randomly, say one - two nights a week we will talk and everything is perfect and all the times I've told myself to just stop talking to him seem ridiculous because he's busy promising me the world. And I let myself fall for it, even though I tell myself that I'm not, and really I'm keeping a safe distance. What is a safe distance anyway? And am I stupid for falling for it or him for leading me on?

In the meantime, during one of the lulls in our talking, I met Alex. Who is warm and lovely and attentive. Who has also made it clear he wants more on some level, but who lives too far away for anything to really happen. I've said we can only be friends. And so he listens to me moan about my life and is patient and flirts even when I tell him not to and yet the real spark, that genuine rush of excitement just isn't there. And it's not that he's unattractive, just that he's an ocean away and so I know it can't happen.

Or, now I'm starting to think about it, is it that Conor treats me mean and keeps me keen and Alex is safe because he's always there to talk and has time for me and will flirt, which is admittedly flattering but not as exciting? I don't have to make overtures to Alex and it makes me wonder if Conor sees me the same way I see Alex. As someone who is always there, easy to talk to but no spark. Which is what makes him dither, and toy with the idea of a relationship but not actually go for it?

I mean when someone tells you outright they want a relationship, how many ways can you read that wrong? The bit that's wrong is the saying it in the first place when you don't mean it.

So this leads me on to the question of how on earth things work out with this much uncertainty. If everyone is looking for that person that is perfect...what chance is there?

and I can't see the point of patient love...when everyone just wants to get fucked!

OK. I disagree, I can but the patient kind requires too much effort these days and time I do not have. I wish in some ways that I could be alright with the level of promiscuity and had the nerve to go out and have a one-night stand. I don't.

I've had sexual partners. But whilst I've not always been in love with them it has always been someone I loved. You know, before things go ape shit sour. My main problem these days is that I'm not brave enough to date and when I do try it seems that all anyone wants is sex anyway. And I find it easy in a way...I've been trying internet dating. And it's very easy to start talking to someone and before you know it he has his cock out on webcam and you've misplaced your bra. And let's be honest, the conversations are fun...but really where do you go from there?

I mean, you've both determined you have sexual chemistry. But what if you aren't looking for a casual lay? How do you then take a step back and say...well it's all well and good over webcam but you really don't sleep with strangers and by the way...what's your favourite colour? It's stupid because for me...if a conversation has gotten interesting and involved enough that I've decided to strip for this stranger (doesn't happen that often) then I actually rather like him. But the problem is, generally speaking mind, it doesn't take near as much for a man. And it goes from the two of you having loads to talk about before you get naked to only having sex to talk about every time you talk after. Sometimes a girl still wants to be woo'ed after you've seen her lady parts.

But when flirting becomes the only thing you do and the only reason someone wants to talk to you, you forget why you liked them in the first place...even while enjoying how hot they look when they scrunch up their nose.

So how do you take it back to before all the nakedness? Can it be done? And if you meet up have you basically already indicated that you'll be an easy lay? AND is it bad if you are? Is it bad if you think...well he is hot and if sex is all he is emotionally mature enough to give me I might as well take it?

Hmmm.

Let's just undo all the hard work

So I came across something on my facebook newsfeed today that has disturbed me enough to want to say something. Albeit not directly because I am a coward but still getting my point across on some level.

Praise for Mohamed Bouazizi setting fire to himself. [For those of you who have been buried under a rock for the last few months, he was the Tunisian man who set fire to himself because he felt humiliated by a female municipal worker and two of her lackeys when they took away his cart of produce and beat him up for not having a license - not the detailed version but you can go look it up if you're interested]

He started protests all over the region and created change [Mubaruk has also just stepped down in Eygpt]. But the reason he did it was because he felt humiliated by a female municipal officer. Now bear in mind that regardless of her gender I don't think what she did is right and it is a sign of a corrupt government that she could get away with it. However. There is the implication that had it been a male he would have begrudgingly carried on with his day.

Alright, so I'm paraphrasing. But it worries me that people I once knew to be all for the benefits of religion are now praising people for being brave enough to die for what they believe in. What they believe in partially being that women have no right to behave in certain ways. I reiterate that I think what the woman did was wrong. Maybe it's my own beliefs that I'm beginning to question. After all these are people I believed to be moderate in their views who seem to be becoming more and more involved in their religious practices. Which in theory is no bad thing except for the exclusion of every cultural norm of the societies in which they inhabit. Including referring to the place they were born and have spent their whole lives as 'the west' and not even in a geographical truth kinda way. 'The people in the west would just sit back and watch while people took away their freedoms; they wouldn't know how to fight...they wouldn't die for what they believe in'. Maybe they wouldn't but if they did I'd hope it was out of true dissatisfaction with that way our country is being run and not due to their pride being hurt. Maybe it makes me bitter because it was a woman who said it and we women have fought for our rights for so long that it hurts to just see the thought processes behind behaviour like this justified and all our rights handed away like they mean nothing.

This probably boils down to something rather ethical. Being brave enough to fight and die for what you believe in? Not necessarily a bad thing. Shows strength of character and honour etc. To die because your pride was hurt? Well it's not really a sign of being a martyr is it? 'A woman beat and abused me in front of many people...I cannot live with the embarrassment'. The cultures are very different I know, but still. If he'd done it to make a point about the political situation in the country...because ultimately his actions did lead to a lot of change. After the initial uproar and deaths. But he's being seen as a martyr and I won't abuse his memory after all what grudge can I truly hold against a dead man?

I have always thought of religion as a good thing because it gives lots of people hope and guidance and makes sense of a world that is pretty difficult to understand. I am friends with people of every race and creed and I like to think I am unbiased. All religion is good until it warps people into believing they are in some way better and more deserving because they believe what they do. Reading back through, I'm sure to some I will come across as some closet BNP supporter but that is the last thing I am. Fair dues to what the girl was maybe getting at. Our political system is just as corrupt as any other, they've just learnt to cover it up better. And we do need change but people having to die in order for us to get it is no great achievement. Not if you think every life is equally valuable.