Thursday, 14 April 2011

Hollywood infected my brain...I wanted kissing in the rain.

This post is about a topic that I'm sure many a person has written about or at least pondered; romance, love, the Disney ideal of the perfect partner and whether or not this person exists. I'll admit that I don't think love is about meeting a person that is perfect, but finding someone who is perfect because you love them.

I come from a traditional family and love is not considered to be an important factor in finding a match. Rather your horoscopes must match and he must come from a *good* family. Having grown up in the western world you can say that I have some issues with this. Obviously there is a lot of hypocrisy in the traditional viewpoint but that is another post entirely. SO yes. I want to find that perfect for me man and settle down and have some children and still be holding hands aged 90. Is that too much to ask?

Now I recently met a man, let's call him Conor. We met online, and initially it was fun. He made all the moves, in fact maybe too many. And I got a little...addicted. I don't agree with playing games. I'm usually honest and if I like someone, I don't see the point of acting unavailable. And yes, I do know it usually works. But it feels dishonest. If someone likes me, I want it to be for me; not because I've made myself sound like some unattainable prize. But yes Conor. Everything was going great and now it isn't. I wish life came with con-crit, so I could know for certain where it went wrong. He's had my number for ages but I'm still waiting for him to call. We still talk online but it seems like the spark is gone and then randomly, say one - two nights a week we will talk and everything is perfect and all the times I've told myself to just stop talking to him seem ridiculous because he's busy promising me the world. And I let myself fall for it, even though I tell myself that I'm not, and really I'm keeping a safe distance. What is a safe distance anyway? And am I stupid for falling for it or him for leading me on?

In the meantime, during one of the lulls in our talking, I met Alex. Who is warm and lovely and attentive. Who has also made it clear he wants more on some level, but who lives too far away for anything to really happen. I've said we can only be friends. And so he listens to me moan about my life and is patient and flirts even when I tell him not to and yet the real spark, that genuine rush of excitement just isn't there. And it's not that he's unattractive, just that he's an ocean away and so I know it can't happen.

Or, now I'm starting to think about it, is it that Conor treats me mean and keeps me keen and Alex is safe because he's always there to talk and has time for me and will flirt, which is admittedly flattering but not as exciting? I don't have to make overtures to Alex and it makes me wonder if Conor sees me the same way I see Alex. As someone who is always there, easy to talk to but no spark. Which is what makes him dither, and toy with the idea of a relationship but not actually go for it?

I mean when someone tells you outright they want a relationship, how many ways can you read that wrong? The bit that's wrong is the saying it in the first place when you don't mean it.

So this leads me on to the question of how on earth things work out with this much uncertainty. If everyone is looking for that person that is perfect...what chance is there?